Pack Of USA Gold 100’s Realizes It Stands No Chance With Meeting Crowd
Sandusky, OH — When local man Chet Kramer picked up a fresh pack of USA Gold 100’s from his neighborhood smoke shop, the cigarettes had no idea what kind of hell awaited them at Tuesday night’s St. Luke’s AA meeting.
Once the cellophane came off, it was open season. Chet barely managed to light one for himself before four people swooped in to bum smokes — including Linda, who has never, in recorded history, produced a pack of her own.
“It’s exhausting, you know?” said the beleaguered hard pack, already down to eight soldiers by the time introductions wrapped. “With a guy like Chet, I can usually stretch through the day. But this crowd? Jesus Christ, they drain you before the coffee’s brewed.”
”Longtime attendee and coffee czar Brad Towson confirmed the pack’s complaints. “They go through cigarettes faster than we go through Folgers,” Towson said, restocking yet another percolator. “We’ve been doubling up the coffee for years. They’re good about throwing in a few bucks for creamer, though, so we let it slide.”
Chet admitted the pack never stood a chance. “These people are vultures, man. Somebody even eats the plain donuts every week. Plain! Who does that? We’re pretty sure it’s Elmer, but no one’s caught him yet.”
By the end of the hour, the USA Golds lay empty in the trash—crumpled, broken, and reflecting on its short, smoky life. “I like to think I did some good here,” the pack murmured from the bin. “At least it’s not Thursday. That’s when Ted shows up. Nobody bums to that guy.”
- Yeti Kiersnowski is from Williamsport, Pennsylvania and gave up the bottle on September 20, 2020. Yeti is controlled by an old, deaf black lab named Sweet Abe.